The Hobbit

Mark "The Beast" Fatu was neither confirming nor denying he had been approached to star in the Lord of The Rings prelude The Hobbit. Fatu said that even if he had been approached, he would be sitting and waiting to see what role Peter Jackson would be playing in the movie. Fatu said that people should not read too much into his recent growth of facial hair that made him look uncannily like Bilbo Baggins. Fatu did say that if he should happen to leave on a big adventure in the next few months, he hoped someone would mind the service desk for him until he got back.

Sleazy Rider

Mark "The Beast" Fate rejected out of hand a proposal from a shady Internet dealer to make a film called Sleazy Rider with The Beast as the star. "This is the first time someone has stumped up with the cash for a project" said Fatu "but I'm not the kind of guy who would do what he was suggesting to a horse". Fatu said he would prefer to focus on films with "family values" and was interested in a nine wholesome film. "Trouble is I've never seen a wholesome film so I'm not really sure where to start.

Breezy Rider

Mark "The Beast" Fatu is talking of filming his new blockbuster Queasy Rider in Wellington. The Capital's famous winds though may make the chunder fly further and Fatu is talking renaming it Breezy Rider. "I'm expecting to film at one end of the Wellington Airport runway and we've got a feeling we should be able to project vomit to the other end in a southerly" said Fatu "this should make for more dramatic scenes without having to fork out for any special effects. Fatu says he'd film additional footage in Courtney Place on Saturday night as it is expected that the Pommy Supporters hitting town after the Rugby League should have problems holding their beer.

Queasy Rider

Mark "The Beast" has reworked his Uneasy Rider script so that his main characters are travel sick motorcycle riders. Fatu said he thought it would add another dimension of the main characters had to stop by the side of the road every few minutes to vomit. "I think it will give additional opportunities for dialogue as they'll have to stop every couple of minutes". Queasy Rider may yet become a TV series with two brothers travelling the country looking for a cure for their travel sickness, only to find all manner of spooks and demons able to throw up at even greater volumes than themselves. "People have told me the concept is sick" said Fatu "but I like to think of it as a throw back to an earlier time".

Bonanza

Mark Fatu is set to remake Bonanza, the TV show that cast Lorne Greene as Ben Cartright. Fatu never saw Lorne in Bonanza but did see him in the original Battlestar Galactica, so he is setting this Bonanza in the deepest space with Cyclons chasing the father and three brothers all over the galaxy. I've not thought who will play Adam and Little Joe yet, but I'll be talking to Charlie Smith about taking the part of Hoss. "We'll have a hunk of space rock somewhere and call it The Ponderosa" said Fatu "but it's going to be tricky to keep the catlle alive out there".

The Outlaw Josey Scotland

Mark "The Beast Fatu continued his recent interest in Clint Eastwoof films by suggesting a new twist on an old favourite. "I've got this picture of a western set in the mean streets of Glasgow" said Fatu through his agent "and we'll have this Scottish outlaw type that we'll call Josey Scotland and we'll have George Nash cast as the slightly bent cop who goes after him with a Magnum 44". Fatu says has an idea for a line when he finds Josey Scotland and says "make my day dirtbag", but as it is a western then everyone will have to be on a horse. Fatu said the classic scene was where Nash would go to a Celtic versus Rangers match, but it would be a polo game with even the crowd on horses. Fatu said he was in touch with Weta digital over the horse special effects but thought he was on to the ultimate Clint Eastwood movie with this one.

Reforgiven

Mark "The Beast" this week has been trying to get hold of Clint Eastwood to star in a revisionist western with the working title of Reforgiven. Fatu said he always wondered why Clint didn't change his name to Westwood as he had been in more westerns than Fatu had scored indoor soccer goals. Fatu said he was looking at a product placement deal with Heinz and at this point he was thinking that the film would either be a Spaghetti western or possibly a Baked Beans western. Fatu said no one had ever tried a baked beans western before but their seemed a good chance that such a film would be explosive.

Uneasy Rider

Mark Fatu has today confirmed that he can not get funding for his proposed film Groundhog Wedding Day. "It has been a very popular idea with men and I've been inundated with feedback from men all over the world that the idea is a winner" said Fatu "the only problem was they all wanted their name kept private in case their wife found out". Fatu said as a result no man was prepared to be seen publicly giving money to the project and the money had dried up. Fatu said he'd been told that "chick flicks" were in vogue, as women liked nothing better than dragging men along to films that they didn't want to go to. "This trend is killing off the road movie" said Fatu "although I'm looking at the possibility of making Uneasy Rider as I think it is a film that would make a statement".

Love Boat

Mark "The Beast" Fatu came up with absolutely no new ideas since the weekend, no doubt due to undertaking the first three days of his honeymoon. Whilst some observers thought he might come up with a romantic series based on a cruise liner, he steadfastly refused to take the easy option saying that creative ideas couldn't just be plucked out of sea air. Insiders said he was thinking of a show based around a bar where nobody knew your name. "Beers" was thought to be the working title for the show which would of course star The Beast as the barman.

Shacked

As a follow up to his television concept Enemies, Mark Fatu has finally decided to move into the horror genre. Remarkably he was given the idea by his own wedding this very weekend and the film Groundhog Day. In the horror film, a guy wakes up every morning and has to get married again and again and again. The working title for the project is Groundhog Wedding Day and will be one of the first horror films to have no blood or gore. A Hollywood producer who did not wish to be named said the concept was one married men throughout the world could identify with and therefore had the potential to be a hit.

Sign of The Beast

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies - Oscar Wilde

Mark "The Beast" Fatu has had some interest from American Channels in his concept for a sit com with Jennifer Anniston called Enemies. One hitch has been struck however as Fatu had envisioned six enemies who interacted with each other each week but producers wanted at least one main character to be hacked to death in each show. "It didn't take long to figure out that Enemies would only last six weeks if it ended with a self mutilation in the final episode" said Fatu "so it wouldn't last for the ten seasons or so I was thinking".

Fatu said he was thinking of converting the concept to a show about two brothers who travel the country looking for their missing father and battling evil spirits along the way. "I'm thinking I'll call this one Spookville and The Beast or something like that". A spokesmen for an undisclosed channel said the format had a familiar feel to it, but he couldn't recall exactly what show it was that featured such a Supernatural theme.

Enemies of the Beast

Mark Fatu today confirmed that his new concept for a sitcom "Enemies" was perhaps his most promising idea today. The sitcom is to star The Beast and is to feature three men and three women living in Greenich Village who all can't stand each other but conveniently run into each other in every episode. "I've made about five hundred call to Jennifer Anniston about the concept which I think she would be perfect for" said Fatu "but she hasn't got back to me so far so I hope she'll be reading this and drop me a line". Fatu said he had written himself in as Anniston's "love interest". Fatu said he was sure he was onto a winner this time and if figured if the story lines got to dull, he could follow Peter Jackson's lead and turn it into a blood splatter special. Peter Jackson was unavailable for comment due to his unlisted phone number.

Beast Says I can Do Sitcom

Mark Fatu today released an open letter to Television New Zealand saying he had an idea for a local sitcom. "Basically I'll be an indoor football player and I'll be flatting with two chicks" said Fatu "and we'll call it something like Beauties and the Beast". A spokesmen for Television New Zealand said it sounded quite like Man About The House but if Fatu could incorporate scenes of himself playing for Land Rovers Indoor Football Club, then that would possibly help the ratings in the key sportsmad market. Fatu said that notwithstanding the series hadn't been given the go ahead, blondes were welcome to approach him to audition for the role, although not on his wedding day if at all possible.

Beast To Get Shacked

Mark "The Beast" Fatu today announced he would get shacked up permanently in two weeks time. "I know this will be a disappointment to my millions of fans" said Fatu "but hell it was love so what can you do". Fatu said he was very happy with his million plus visitors and said he hoped that his legions of female fans would not desert him now he was officially tied down, "I'm hoping to have a huge stag party with all the boys from the Rovers" said Fatu "so I'm really hoping they'll get me home by 7 am and not tied to a post". Fatu said he had yet to clinch a deal for exclusive coverage but was talking to several magazines including The Listener over exclusive coverage.

Beast To Become Web Star

Mark "The Beast" Fatu was looking to capitalise off the million plus views to this web site "At home with the beast". Fatu said today that it looked like television wasn't the best avenue for his obvious talents so he was looking to become a flash star are the web. "I think I've got that rugged sex appeal that will go down well in flash animation". Fatu said he would be aiming at the family market and wouldn't be straying into any adult content. "I'm a role model and it is important to me to pitch this site at the young blonde female market sector" said Fatu.

Nigerian Gets Beastly Virus

Mark "The Beast " Fatu has had no luck pitching his "At Home With The Beast" TV show in New Zealand but this week has had quite a bit of interest from Nigeria. "A guy sent me an e mail saying if I sent him ten thousand in unmarked notes" said The Beast "and he would not only get my show on air but he would send be fifty thousand advance royalties back". It seemed like a good deal but unfortunately the Nigerian's computer got a nasty virus just before the money could be wired, after he mysteriously opened an attachment.

Mark Fatu later confessed there was no truth in this story whatsoever "It's been a slow news week" he said. Fatu admitted he was just trying to drum up hits through Google for his Blog which had stalled at the million hit mark for at least a week.

I'll Manage Dr Hussey

Mark "The Beast" Fatu said he had had no further traction on his "At Home With The Beast" show but was however getting an unusual amount of interest in another new concept "At Home With A Hussey". Fatu said that ever since Eddie Hussey has shown his chest on prime time internet, there had been enquiries from all over the world about who this guy was.

"I think we can go it alone as a web vidcast" said Fatu "even if a big TV company doesn't come in for the rights". Fatu saud Hussey was very popular with nurses and another possibility was a hospital drame with eddie as Dr Hussey.

Fatu Not Disillusioned

Mark "The Beast'Fatu said today he was not disillusioned that his "At Home With The Beast" Tv show had not taken off. "The TV industry isn't up with the times and as soon as I become a celebrity then they'll be knocking down my door".

Fatu said he was aware Eddie Hussey needed some coaching as he was starting to attract a lot of feamle interest. "I think I can give Eddie a few pointers" said Fatu"as I've had the experience with a high level of female interest and know how to handle it".

Fatu Says Fame Hasn't Gone To His Head

Mark "The Beast" Fatu said today that the complete failure of his proposed TV show hadn't "gone to his head'. "We're looking at a radio format now" said Fatu "I don't think those TV people get it". Fatu said he would stay on in his day job until he became a superstar.

It's Not Me Says Fatu

Mark Fatu tonight denied this was a photo of him. "That guys better looking" said Fatu. Plans to launch At Home with the Beast are currently stalled because no one is interested.

"I might have to drag the big time wrestling concept out of the sewer" said Fatu.