Bonanza

Mark Fatu is set to remake Bonanza, the TV show that cast Lorne Greene as Ben Cartright. Fatu never saw Lorne in Bonanza but did see him in the original Battlestar Galactica, so he is setting this Bonanza in the deepest space with Cyclons chasing the father and three brothers all over the galaxy. I've not thought who will play Adam and Little Joe yet, but I'll be talking to Charlie Smith about taking the part of Hoss. "We'll have a hunk of space rock somewhere and call it The Ponderosa" said Fatu "but it's going to be tricky to keep the catlle alive out there".

The Outlaw Josey Scotland

Mark "The Beast Fatu continued his recent interest in Clint Eastwoof films by suggesting a new twist on an old favourite. "I've got this picture of a western set in the mean streets of Glasgow" said Fatu through his agent "and we'll have this Scottish outlaw type that we'll call Josey Scotland and we'll have George Nash cast as the slightly bent cop who goes after him with a Magnum 44". Fatu says has an idea for a line when he finds Josey Scotland and says "make my day dirtbag", but as it is a western then everyone will have to be on a horse. Fatu said the classic scene was where Nash would go to a Celtic versus Rangers match, but it would be a polo game with even the crowd on horses. Fatu said he was in touch with Weta digital over the horse special effects but thought he was on to the ultimate Clint Eastwood movie with this one.

Reforgiven

Mark "The Beast" this week has been trying to get hold of Clint Eastwood to star in a revisionist western with the working title of Reforgiven. Fatu said he always wondered why Clint didn't change his name to Westwood as he had been in more westerns than Fatu had scored indoor soccer goals. Fatu said he was looking at a product placement deal with Heinz and at this point he was thinking that the film would either be a Spaghetti western or possibly a Baked Beans western. Fatu said no one had ever tried a baked beans western before but their seemed a good chance that such a film would be explosive.

Uneasy Rider

Mark Fatu has today confirmed that he can not get funding for his proposed film Groundhog Wedding Day. "It has been a very popular idea with men and I've been inundated with feedback from men all over the world that the idea is a winner" said Fatu "the only problem was they all wanted their name kept private in case their wife found out". Fatu said as a result no man was prepared to be seen publicly giving money to the project and the money had dried up. Fatu said he'd been told that "chick flicks" were in vogue, as women liked nothing better than dragging men along to films that they didn't want to go to. "This trend is killing off the road movie" said Fatu "although I'm looking at the possibility of making Uneasy Rider as I think it is a film that would make a statement".

Love Boat

Mark "The Beast" Fatu came up with absolutely no new ideas since the weekend, no doubt due to undertaking the first three days of his honeymoon. Whilst some observers thought he might come up with a romantic series based on a cruise liner, he steadfastly refused to take the easy option saying that creative ideas couldn't just be plucked out of sea air. Insiders said he was thinking of a show based around a bar where nobody knew your name. "Beers" was thought to be the working title for the show which would of course star The Beast as the barman.

Shacked

As a follow up to his television concept Enemies, Mark Fatu has finally decided to move into the horror genre. Remarkably he was given the idea by his own wedding this very weekend and the film Groundhog Day. In the horror film, a guy wakes up every morning and has to get married again and again and again. The working title for the project is Groundhog Wedding Day and will be one of the first horror films to have no blood or gore. A Hollywood producer who did not wish to be named said the concept was one married men throughout the world could identify with and therefore had the potential to be a hit.

Sign of The Beast

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies - Oscar Wilde

Mark "The Beast" Fatu has had some interest from American Channels in his concept for a sit com with Jennifer Anniston called Enemies. One hitch has been struck however as Fatu had envisioned six enemies who interacted with each other each week but producers wanted at least one main character to be hacked to death in each show. "It didn't take long to figure out that Enemies would only last six weeks if it ended with a self mutilation in the final episode" said Fatu "so it wouldn't last for the ten seasons or so I was thinking".

Fatu said he was thinking of converting the concept to a show about two brothers who travel the country looking for their missing father and battling evil spirits along the way. "I'm thinking I'll call this one Spookville and The Beast or something like that". A spokesmen for an undisclosed channel said the format had a familiar feel to it, but he couldn't recall exactly what show it was that featured such a Supernatural theme.

Enemies of the Beast

Mark Fatu today confirmed that his new concept for a sitcom "Enemies" was perhaps his most promising idea today. The sitcom is to star The Beast and is to feature three men and three women living in Greenich Village who all can't stand each other but conveniently run into each other in every episode. "I've made about five hundred call to Jennifer Anniston about the concept which I think she would be perfect for" said Fatu "but she hasn't got back to me so far so I hope she'll be reading this and drop me a line". Fatu said he had written himself in as Anniston's "love interest". Fatu said he was sure he was onto a winner this time and if figured if the story lines got to dull, he could follow Peter Jackson's lead and turn it into a blood splatter special. Peter Jackson was unavailable for comment due to his unlisted phone number.

Beast Says I can Do Sitcom

Mark Fatu today released an open letter to Television New Zealand saying he had an idea for a local sitcom. "Basically I'll be an indoor football player and I'll be flatting with two chicks" said Fatu "and we'll call it something like Beauties and the Beast". A spokesmen for Television New Zealand said it sounded quite like Man About The House but if Fatu could incorporate scenes of himself playing for Land Rovers Indoor Football Club, then that would possibly help the ratings in the key sportsmad market. Fatu said that notwithstanding the series hadn't been given the go ahead, blondes were welcome to approach him to audition for the role, although not on his wedding day if at all possible.