Happy New Year

Mark Fatu urged his legions of fans to drive carefully and to have a happy and safe New Year. Fatu said his large female following would no doubt be out on the town all night but he urged them to think of him and wish him success in the film industry in 2007. Fatu said he'd had his problems with proposals for space films but pointed out that even Peter Jackson was having issues with the Halo films. Fatu said he thought there might not be as much interest in space films as there used to be, possibly caused by the most recent Stars Wars films not being as good as the original trilogy. Fatu suggested only Battlestar Galactica is doing well right now, and that is no doubt only because Lucy Lawless was in it.

Fatu Fans Wish The Beast Merry Christmas

Fans of Mark "The Beast" Fatu inundated him with Christmas cards according to a source close to his script writer. Fatu spent Christmas quietly with his family at an undisclosed location is reported to have been thankful for all the attention. Fatu said he would take a break from his creative side an instead focus on his football for a few weeks. Fatu was reportedly keen to help Land Rovers win the league again and felt the extra training might seem him attain a regular starting spot. Fatu also thought a football movie in space might have merit although it was unclear where the crowd would sit in such a game.

Z Ships

Mark Fatu wished his legions of fans a Merry Christmas and hoped they would all have a good holiday break. Fatu said the creative juices were a bit stunted at this time of the year, partly because there were so many other juices to be consumed. Fatu said he'd be taking thing quietly and trying to come up with a new concept for a show, possibly based on Earth. Fatu has had some negative feedback from his science fiction proposals but still thought he might come up with a winning idea. I'm mulling over a programme called Z Ships at the moment, it will be a Police show based in Space.

Dirty Den Out

Leslie Grantham the actor who played Dirty Den Watts has reportedly said today to News Of The Universe that the idea of EastEnders in Space was ahead of its time. Grantham confirmed he wouldn't be taking part in any such show and it was surprising that Fatu wasn't turning his own local show Shortland Street into a space adventure. Fatu responded saying that Shortland Street was in Auckland and nobody wanted to see people sitting round in space suits sipping latte all day. Fatu said he doubted anyone from Auckland would ever make it to space but if they did they'd spend their time moaning about the hardships of space. Fatu thought he might have to look at a film based on Earth the way things were going.

Eastenders Not a Flier Either

A last minute bid to rebrand Coronation Street in Space as Eastenders has been unsuccessful, after the creative force behind the idea Mark "The Beast" Fatu hit a snag. Fatu could not figure out where East would be in space, particularly he didn't really know any particular Landmarks on Pluto, where he was hoping to set the space age soap. Fatu said he that whilst he could see how a rocket man could burn out his fuse up there alone, he was struggling with more mundane stuff about how you had a pint in a space suit. Fatu said it would be no problem getting the alcohol into them in a tube, but the opportunity for dialogue was limited inside a vomit stained space suit.

Space Coronation Street Dead

William Roache today is understood to have turned down the role of Captain Ken Barlow in a proposed Coronation Street in space. Mark "The Beast " Fatu said today that the whole idea would be dead without him as he couldn't really see any of the other characters taking the part. Fatu said he'd settled on Pluto as the location for the a street as he felt Pluto had had a rough time of it lately when it was downgraded to a rock from a planet. Fatu said he thought Pluto was the kind of place they'd send criminals and working class in the future, the kind of role currently filled by Australia in the modern day.

Fatu Denies Encouraging Drunken Space Flight

Mark Fatu today reacted to suggestions from MADD (Mothers against Interstellar Drunkenness) that his proposed setting of Coronation Street would encourage drunken flying of space craft. A suggestion that the Rovers return be in space apparently sparked the reaction when it became evident that if Captain Ken Barlow stopped in at the Rovers return on Pluto, he might be over the limit for the flight back to Earth. Fatu said that he thought it unlikely that a space craft with the technology to get to Pluto wouldn't have a auto pilot on it for drunks. Fatu assured the public there would be an episode dealing with the difficult issue of space drunkenness but it would be handled with sympathy and understanding.

Babylon 6 a no go

Mark "The Beast" Fatu today denied media reports that suggested he was lookinging to start a series called Babyloin 6. Fatu said that everyone knew that their was never a sixth Babylon and he couldn't see where the storyline would go. Fatu said he was more interested in the idea of putting Coronation Street in space and said an idea for a soap opera based around spaceship captain Captain Ken Barlow had appeal. Fatu was not yet sure where the Rovers Return would be but he thought the corner shop could be an outpost on Mars. Fatu said with the huge distances that could be covered with hyper drives, he imagined the space captain might pop into Mars on the way to work in the outer solar system.

Deep Space

Mark Fatu confirmed today that he was in talks over a new show called Deep Space. Reports circulating on the net yesterday that this was a Science Fiction Soap Opera have proved incorrect and Deep Space will in fact be about a group of hippies who smoke heaps of drugs and contemplate the meaning of life, the universe and everything. "We're not making a rerun of The Young Ones and having five Neal types chewing on Lentil Stew" said Fatu "the concept here will be to tackle the big issues of time, space and relativity whilst exploring the brain with mind altering substances". Fatu confirmed no actual drugs would be used but actors would be provided with several boxes of soap powder and would be allowed to take creative license with it.

Battlestar Spud

Mark Fatu today confirmed he had done further work on his Battlestar Enterprise concept and was now considering the rebranding it as Battlestar Spud. Fatu said that he was sick and tired of Starships being called Enterprise, Galactica or Pegagus and said it was far more likely in the future that people would name starships after vegetables. Fatu said some people would find this suggestion a little unusual but pointed to a local tradition of naming servers after vegetables or fruit. Fatu said amongst other names he had considered for his Sci-Fi venture were Battlestar Carrot, Starship Pumpkin and even just plain old Cabbage 3. Fatu would not confirm speculation that Dan Dare would be his main character after earlier rumours that the lead character would be called Commander Bilbo Baggins proved incorrect due to confusion with another Fatu project.

Even More Hobbit Goings On

Peter Jackson today confirmed that he would be involved in the Hobbit next year but declined to say whether the International pulling power of Mark "The Beast" Fatu would see him in the box seat for the role of Bilbo Baggins. Fatu who has been quietly accumulating facial hair and talking of big adventures, would still not confirm to his internet fan base whether he would finally be making his debut as an international superstar of film. Rumours emulating from Weta Workshops in Miramar suggest that they are having difficulty being able to shrink Fatu down to the size of a hobbit as apparently thayare not wishing to use special effects for this film as they have "been there and done that".

More Hobbit Rumours

Rumours coming out of Wellywood indicate that Peter Jackson will be having an involvement as Director in the production of The Hobbit. Jackson has not been able to be drawn on whether he has been in contact with Mark "The Beast" Fatu over taking the role of Bilbo Baggins for the film. The Beast has recently been commenting on the " and the lack of adventurers in the neighbourhood" and there have been reported sighting of him associating with a man in a wizards hat. Fatu has been quiet on his latest film ventures recently although was believed to be working on a Science Fiction spin off called Battlestar Enterprise, where the central character Commander Kirk sets off to find Earth whilst been chased by "Cling on" robots called Pylons. A spokesmen for the studio said off the record that there was something familiar about the series that he couldn't quite put his finger on.

The Hobbit

Mark "The Beast" Fatu was neither confirming nor denying he had been approached to star in the Lord of The Rings prelude The Hobbit. Fatu said that even if he had been approached, he would be sitting and waiting to see what role Peter Jackson would be playing in the movie. Fatu said that people should not read too much into his recent growth of facial hair that made him look uncannily like Bilbo Baggins. Fatu did say that if he should happen to leave on a big adventure in the next few months, he hoped someone would mind the service desk for him until he got back.

Sleazy Rider

Mark "The Beast" Fate rejected out of hand a proposal from a shady Internet dealer to make a film called Sleazy Rider with The Beast as the star. "This is the first time someone has stumped up with the cash for a project" said Fatu "but I'm not the kind of guy who would do what he was suggesting to a horse". Fatu said he would prefer to focus on films with "family values" and was interested in a nine wholesome film. "Trouble is I've never seen a wholesome film so I'm not really sure where to start.

Breezy Rider

Mark "The Beast" Fatu is talking of filming his new blockbuster Queasy Rider in Wellington. The Capital's famous winds though may make the chunder fly further and Fatu is talking renaming it Breezy Rider. "I'm expecting to film at one end of the Wellington Airport runway and we've got a feeling we should be able to project vomit to the other end in a southerly" said Fatu "this should make for more dramatic scenes without having to fork out for any special effects. Fatu says he'd film additional footage in Courtney Place on Saturday night as it is expected that the Pommy Supporters hitting town after the Rugby League should have problems holding their beer.

Queasy Rider

Mark "The Beast" has reworked his Uneasy Rider script so that his main characters are travel sick motorcycle riders. Fatu said he thought it would add another dimension of the main characters had to stop by the side of the road every few minutes to vomit. "I think it will give additional opportunities for dialogue as they'll have to stop every couple of minutes". Queasy Rider may yet become a TV series with two brothers travelling the country looking for a cure for their travel sickness, only to find all manner of spooks and demons able to throw up at even greater volumes than themselves. "People have told me the concept is sick" said Fatu "but I like to think of it as a throw back to an earlier time".

Bonanza

Mark Fatu is set to remake Bonanza, the TV show that cast Lorne Greene as Ben Cartright. Fatu never saw Lorne in Bonanza but did see him in the original Battlestar Galactica, so he is setting this Bonanza in the deepest space with Cyclons chasing the father and three brothers all over the galaxy. I've not thought who will play Adam and Little Joe yet, but I'll be talking to Charlie Smith about taking the part of Hoss. "We'll have a hunk of space rock somewhere and call it The Ponderosa" said Fatu "but it's going to be tricky to keep the catlle alive out there".

The Outlaw Josey Scotland

Mark "The Beast Fatu continued his recent interest in Clint Eastwoof films by suggesting a new twist on an old favourite. "I've got this picture of a western set in the mean streets of Glasgow" said Fatu through his agent "and we'll have this Scottish outlaw type that we'll call Josey Scotland and we'll have George Nash cast as the slightly bent cop who goes after him with a Magnum 44". Fatu says has an idea for a line when he finds Josey Scotland and says "make my day dirtbag", but as it is a western then everyone will have to be on a horse. Fatu said the classic scene was where Nash would go to a Celtic versus Rangers match, but it would be a polo game with even the crowd on horses. Fatu said he was in touch with Weta digital over the horse special effects but thought he was on to the ultimate Clint Eastwood movie with this one.

Reforgiven

Mark "The Beast" this week has been trying to get hold of Clint Eastwood to star in a revisionist western with the working title of Reforgiven. Fatu said he always wondered why Clint didn't change his name to Westwood as he had been in more westerns than Fatu had scored indoor soccer goals. Fatu said he was looking at a product placement deal with Heinz and at this point he was thinking that the film would either be a Spaghetti western or possibly a Baked Beans western. Fatu said no one had ever tried a baked beans western before but their seemed a good chance that such a film would be explosive.

Uneasy Rider

Mark Fatu has today confirmed that he can not get funding for his proposed film Groundhog Wedding Day. "It has been a very popular idea with men and I've been inundated with feedback from men all over the world that the idea is a winner" said Fatu "the only problem was they all wanted their name kept private in case their wife found out". Fatu said as a result no man was prepared to be seen publicly giving money to the project and the money had dried up. Fatu said he'd been told that "chick flicks" were in vogue, as women liked nothing better than dragging men along to films that they didn't want to go to. "This trend is killing off the road movie" said Fatu "although I'm looking at the possibility of making Uneasy Rider as I think it is a film that would make a statement".

Love Boat

Mark "The Beast" Fatu came up with absolutely no new ideas since the weekend, no doubt due to undertaking the first three days of his honeymoon. Whilst some observers thought he might come up with a romantic series based on a cruise liner, he steadfastly refused to take the easy option saying that creative ideas couldn't just be plucked out of sea air. Insiders said he was thinking of a show based around a bar where nobody knew your name. "Beers" was thought to be the working title for the show which would of course star The Beast as the barman.

Shacked

As a follow up to his television concept Enemies, Mark Fatu has finally decided to move into the horror genre. Remarkably he was given the idea by his own wedding this very weekend and the film Groundhog Day. In the horror film, a guy wakes up every morning and has to get married again and again and again. The working title for the project is Groundhog Wedding Day and will be one of the first horror films to have no blood or gore. A Hollywood producer who did not wish to be named said the concept was one married men throughout the world could identify with and therefore had the potential to be a hit.

Sign of The Beast

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies - Oscar Wilde

Mark "The Beast" Fatu has had some interest from American Channels in his concept for a sit com with Jennifer Anniston called Enemies. One hitch has been struck however as Fatu had envisioned six enemies who interacted with each other each week but producers wanted at least one main character to be hacked to death in each show. "It didn't take long to figure out that Enemies would only last six weeks if it ended with a self mutilation in the final episode" said Fatu "so it wouldn't last for the ten seasons or so I was thinking".

Fatu said he was thinking of converting the concept to a show about two brothers who travel the country looking for their missing father and battling evil spirits along the way. "I'm thinking I'll call this one Spookville and The Beast or something like that". A spokesmen for an undisclosed channel said the format had a familiar feel to it, but he couldn't recall exactly what show it was that featured such a Supernatural theme.

Enemies of the Beast

Mark Fatu today confirmed that his new concept for a sitcom "Enemies" was perhaps his most promising idea today. The sitcom is to star The Beast and is to feature three men and three women living in Greenich Village who all can't stand each other but conveniently run into each other in every episode. "I've made about five hundred call to Jennifer Anniston about the concept which I think she would be perfect for" said Fatu "but she hasn't got back to me so far so I hope she'll be reading this and drop me a line". Fatu said he had written himself in as Anniston's "love interest". Fatu said he was sure he was onto a winner this time and if figured if the story lines got to dull, he could follow Peter Jackson's lead and turn it into a blood splatter special. Peter Jackson was unavailable for comment due to his unlisted phone number.

Beast Says I can Do Sitcom

Mark Fatu today released an open letter to Television New Zealand saying he had an idea for a local sitcom. "Basically I'll be an indoor football player and I'll be flatting with two chicks" said Fatu "and we'll call it something like Beauties and the Beast". A spokesmen for Television New Zealand said it sounded quite like Man About The House but if Fatu could incorporate scenes of himself playing for Land Rovers Indoor Football Club, then that would possibly help the ratings in the key sportsmad market. Fatu said that notwithstanding the series hadn't been given the go ahead, blondes were welcome to approach him to audition for the role, although not on his wedding day if at all possible.

Beast To Get Shacked

Mark "The Beast" Fatu today announced he would get shacked up permanently in two weeks time. "I know this will be a disappointment to my millions of fans" said Fatu "but hell it was love so what can you do". Fatu said he was very happy with his million plus visitors and said he hoped that his legions of female fans would not desert him now he was officially tied down, "I'm hoping to have a huge stag party with all the boys from the Rovers" said Fatu "so I'm really hoping they'll get me home by 7 am and not tied to a post". Fatu said he had yet to clinch a deal for exclusive coverage but was talking to several magazines including The Listener over exclusive coverage.

Beast To Become Web Star

Mark "The Beast" Fatu was looking to capitalise off the million plus views to this web site "At home with the beast". Fatu said today that it looked like television wasn't the best avenue for his obvious talents so he was looking to become a flash star are the web. "I think I've got that rugged sex appeal that will go down well in flash animation". Fatu said he would be aiming at the family market and wouldn't be straying into any adult content. "I'm a role model and it is important to me to pitch this site at the young blonde female market sector" said Fatu.

Nigerian Gets Beastly Virus

Mark "The Beast " Fatu has had no luck pitching his "At Home With The Beast" TV show in New Zealand but this week has had quite a bit of interest from Nigeria. "A guy sent me an e mail saying if I sent him ten thousand in unmarked notes" said The Beast "and he would not only get my show on air but he would send be fifty thousand advance royalties back". It seemed like a good deal but unfortunately the Nigerian's computer got a nasty virus just before the money could be wired, after he mysteriously opened an attachment.

Mark Fatu later confessed there was no truth in this story whatsoever "It's been a slow news week" he said. Fatu admitted he was just trying to drum up hits through Google for his Blog which had stalled at the million hit mark for at least a week.

I'll Manage Dr Hussey

Mark "The Beast" Fatu said he had had no further traction on his "At Home With The Beast" show but was however getting an unusual amount of interest in another new concept "At Home With A Hussey". Fatu said that ever since Eddie Hussey has shown his chest on prime time internet, there had been enquiries from all over the world about who this guy was.

"I think we can go it alone as a web vidcast" said Fatu "even if a big TV company doesn't come in for the rights". Fatu saud Hussey was very popular with nurses and another possibility was a hospital drame with eddie as Dr Hussey.

Fatu Not Disillusioned

Mark "The Beast'Fatu said today he was not disillusioned that his "At Home With The Beast" Tv show had not taken off. "The TV industry isn't up with the times and as soon as I become a celebrity then they'll be knocking down my door".

Fatu said he was aware Eddie Hussey needed some coaching as he was starting to attract a lot of feamle interest. "I think I can give Eddie a few pointers" said Fatu"as I've had the experience with a high level of female interest and know how to handle it".

Fatu Says Fame Hasn't Gone To His Head

Mark "The Beast" Fatu said today that the complete failure of his proposed TV show hadn't "gone to his head'. "We're looking at a radio format now" said Fatu "I don't think those TV people get it". Fatu said he would stay on in his day job until he became a superstar.

It's Not Me Says Fatu

Mark Fatu tonight denied this was a photo of him. "That guys better looking" said Fatu. Plans to launch At Home with the Beast are currently stalled because no one is interested.

"I might have to drag the big time wrestling concept out of the sewer" said Fatu.

The Beast In Auckland

Mark Fatu was today in Auckland trying to flog off his concept of a TV show "At Home With The Beast". Unfortunately all major channels refused to have a discussion with him on the matter so his visit has not been fruitful.

"These jafa guys don't recognise talent when they see it" said Fatu.

Beastly Weekends

Mark "The Beast" Fatu was relaxing at home today and contemplating his rise as a media star.


"It's all happened so fast" said Fatu "one day I woke up and had my own blog, and now I might get on the tele as well".

No channel has yet confirmed they're interested in At Home With The Beast concept but Fatu was adamant that everyone wanted a Beast in their home deep down.

No Traction on TV Show

Mark "The Beast" Fatu is looking to launch a new concept in New Zealand televison with his "At home with the Beast" concept. Unfortunately this concept is gaing no traction in the crucial 18 - 49 market, apparently because Fatu indicated he would have Jordan Petersen as a guest on the show.

"Petersen appeals to the 16 - 18 market" said a television marketer who declined to be named.

Fatu said "The Beast" concept would work in wrestling but was not getting very far as a talk back concept.

"New Zealand may not be ready for this" said Fatu.

Match Day With The Beast

It's important to look good on match day and Mark "The Beast" Fatu starts his day by an intensive clean of his finger nails, before heading off to the stylist for an extensive make over.

"I like to look good for a match as you never know when there will be a passing camera crew".

Fatu says he didn't get to be a poster boy by just turning up in any old gear.

Launch Of The Beast

Today marks the launch of The Beast brand as part of the Land Rovers Indoor Football club. Mark "The Beast" has a legion of female admirers and really needs more space than the Rovers can give him.

Please feel free to donate cash to The Beast - as he has bills like anyone else.